Finding the Light

I wrote a blog the other day about love and what I thought it should look like. I feel like that is all wrong. In my head, that’s what it feels like to me. I found out a couple of days ago that when you treat someone so good and you see their co-worker somewhere and they all look at you like your psycho. It really puts a damper on things. Just because I get mad.  

The other day I went off. You know how you keep everything inside and it’s like a ticking time bomb… Well, that was me. Most of the time I sit back and watch what people say to me and it gets stored in my head almost like a reel.  Well, I have been married for 19 years. It wasn’t perfect. Out of those 19 years of marriage I got 2 amazing kids. Well, I like to ask questions, like,” Why did you want to marry me?” My response to that was because someone told me to. I mean that hit hard. My whole life I have been the joke or a bet. I mean, after 19 years you tell me that now? My other questions come out” Why did I lose my memory?” I don’t know he says, I say was we fighting he replies “NO.” So after a few weeks after he said that he tells me I watched a video online and I know the problem isn’t you, it is me. I paused in my tracks.

Rewind about a year ago. My whole marriage, I have been fighting with the in-laws, they hate me. For 19 years I have put up with a lot of shit. Like questions from them “ARE those kids my son’s?”  They took my daughter when she was a baby and got a DNA test done. She came up with my daughter why I was in the hospital having surgery. Like it’s been a screwed-up mess. But I fought through it. I never understood why my husband never stood up for me. I feel like this is why depression, bipolar all kicked in. I was in this battle by myself. When you get married you should stick up for each other, I mean you married me?

 Fast forward to the other night. He said I have been watching porn for the last 19 years. I have been begging for touch. I already knew. As I told my kids I will always find out. So don’t try anything.  He says how did you know. I said the smell and you can’t keep it up for me. As my heart drops again. ME. I’m the problem; that’s the first thing that pops into my head. He said he wanted to change and not watch it anymore. So, I told him I can help him with that. As for the other night he said he hadn’t watched it for about a month now.

As a woman, I don’t feel pretty, happy or excitement anymore. I am more like bump in the road. Like all my feelings left my body. I’m just in survival mode.  When I ask him what makes him excited about porn he says, “I don’t know.” This is the number one answer I get all the time. So do you have any fantasy again I don’t know. He is a very smart guy, but also very stupid. As I know what I like and want, how can someone else not know. Again, what did I do for him to watch that? Am I not pretty enough? Did I put on a lot of weight? Did I say something that made him mad? A lot goes through my mind. Then I blame myself.

I told him let’s do date night. Just me and you. I made up this date where I set up a table in my bedroom with a candle lit and made dinner, it was very special to me. I have no idea if he liked it or not. And still don’t.  I cried because it felt special to me. So, I was waiting on what was going to be his date night. He never told me what day he was doing it. So, on Saturday I sat by myself like I do all the time and wrote up a blog post. He says, “me you go make popcorn and meet me in the bedroom and we can binge watch Tony and Ziva.” I knew he was throwing it together. I mean when you have kids they walk into your room like 500 times, but somehow it was still kind of perfect. He tells me that he doesn’t like to do that kind of thing. I mean I look at a date night of being just fun and talk and cuddle. He said I pressure him when I tell him I can’t wait for our date and what you have planned. He says it puts stress on me. So, I go back to my head. It’s just supposed to be fun…. Why does he think that?

Which now comes into last night. He tells me in was so in love with his ex and when she did him wrong and left him feeling bad. He said something I really can’t remember word for word. But this is why he can’t love me like that. I go back to my head and think you are telling me this now after 19 years. Why now? He said I want to change and get to know you. I felt like I was shot in the face. Like living with me for the last 19 years you know nothing about me. Through all my relationships I have never been good enough for anyone. It hurts so bad and I wonder if I would better off dead……