Finding the Light

In my eyes, I am a worthless piece of shit. I have nothing to give and nothing to lose. I wish so many times I was dead. I have nothing. No life. No friends. I am the maid/housekeeper of this house. Nothing more. I really don’t get paid anything. I just do it. I cry almost everyday trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. Why can’t someone hold me without me asking them to? Why can’t someone text or call me without me asking? My question is always, why? Another thing I ask myself is: what did I do to deserve this kind of treatment? I like nice things but never get anything. So, I just don’t ask anymore. To me, if someone loves me, I should never have to ask, they should know. I know I’m not pretty or skinny. I kind of understand why I’ve never been taken out. Nobody wants to be seen with me. I’m good enough to clean house and put supper on the table, but nothing else. I keep asking what it feels like to be loved. I want to just feel it once before I die. I’m going to feel like this until my daughter tells me she’s safe. I never want her to feel like this. I am so miserable. I have more bad thoughts than good ones. I’m not really sure why I was born. I have thought about signing up to go to the army. Hell, I already have everything they come home with. It could just be my suicide mission. My kids would get money for my missions. I’m really going to look into it. Probably just going to sign up.