Finding the Light

Sorry I haven’t made a post for a while. I have just been trying to live what I have left. So, on April 21 I left for myrtle beach for 4 days. I was so stressed and wanted to do it that day. When I got there, I just sat on the beach by myself thinking about my life and wondered why I deserved it. I was hoping it would’ve opened someone else’s eyes, but it didn’t. All he was worried about was that we all abandoned him. On the first day he brought beer home because everyone knows that helps you, instantly an asshole. So, on the last day, we left. I drove almost 10 hours to come home with the same amount of work I left. I was hoping someone would change, but nothing. Still me doing everything with no appreciation. So, he got another job and put his 2 weeks’ notice on his other job. Kinda hoping that would open someone’s eyes, but still nothing. During that week, our poor Kenny, (our great dane mix) got into something and we took him to the emergency vet, and it was too late. I went ahead and had him put down. I sat in there with my daughter on the phone, telling him how much we loved him. Meanwhile, he was sitting in the waiting room because he couldn’t handle it. All the way home I wished it was me, because no one ever cried for me like that. He then insisted on telling the kids I am now going to be number one priority to him.  So, lets fast forward to last week. He had to leave for a trip to PA for work. The week before that I thought someone wanted to be with me. Again, nothing happened. So, he left Monday and when he got there, he called me. The next day, he downloaded a stupid game to his phone that I have already said NO games. If you can’t pay attention to your wife, then no phones. So, Wednesday he decided to start watching porn again. So, Friday he comes home, all week I have taken my daughter to tryout and drove to Columbus 3 times this week. He gets home about 5 and then tells me I don’t feel good. My thoughts race because you know what’s coming. I always find out. I mean, I talk to the dead. Saturday morning, I walked back to his room and that stupid game is playing and had not acknowledged me. So, I blew a gasket. As I always say, if I was your phone, you would touch me every day. Now I can only dream. Sunday, I was woke up at 4:25 am to my dead friends telling me to ask him what he did. He sat there and lied to my face over and over again.  Then calls me a bitch. So right then I knew he had no feeling nor love for me. I can see it. His problem is he just doesn’t want to be alone. So, he knows he can do whatever he wants until both kids are 18 years old. But me mentally is so fucking gone. I can tell you there is not a day in my life that’s goes by that I think I should be dead. I am dead to most people now. So, he lied to me for another day until last night, then said yeah, I watched it Wednesday. Like it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t understand why not the real thing? Why not with me? What’s wrong with me and my body? I’m not sure how much more I can handle but I don’t want any of the kids around him. That’s not a dad. That is a sick twisted man. Not sure what I want to do.